Monday, September 08, 2008

A difficult end and a new beginning

Well...I suppose it is past time for an explanation as to why everyone I know got an email with my new address and no explanation.

On 4th of July weekend I was on the way home from a 6 week business trip to New Jersey. While there I worked 6 days per week and often put in 10 hours per day. It was hot, sticky, and no fun at all (except that I was 15 miles from Manhattan...which was fun). When I pulled in to the driveway after an 18 hour trip home Jay's car was gone. The grass in the back yard was 2 feet high. Haleigh (15) and Hunter (8) were in the house by themselves and the air conditioner was broken. It was 95 degrees outside and they had no fans to keep them cool except the ceiling fans in the living room and bedrooms.

I greeted the kids and noticed my book shelf was missing from the living room. When I asked Haleigh where the bookshelf went she said "Dad took it with him". I then asked "Where?" and she said "He moved out". The man left a 15 year old child to tell me he had moved out of our house AND left both of the kids in almost unbearable conditions. It was so hot in that house I took the kids to a hotel so we could at least have air conditioning. As it turns out, Captain Handy hadn't cleaned the filter in the furnace and all it took was rinsing it in the sink and replacing it for the air to work just fine.

Jay also left the clothes dryer and lawn mower broken. I had to hire someone to come in and cut the grass for me because it was ridiculously high. When I went to have my hair cut a few days later my stylist told me she knew Jay was going to be moving out because he had told her earlier in the week. He told her he was tired of being my day care provider and doing my chores for me. Funny...the last 5 years that I've been on the road and away from my family I thought he and I were working together for the greater good of the family. I thought all of the time I sacrificed away from home was for the good of everyone else and it was simply the price I had to pay for everyone else to be happy. Apparently...I thought wrong. I also discovered he had given away one of my dogs and both of my cats. He has still refused to tell me where they went and the only thing the kids know is that "Daddy found good homes for them".

With Jay's sudden departure I was left to care for the 2 children and couldn't work. My job was 100% travel and not to the scenic areas of town on most days. Haleigh and Hunter went with me to finish the last 2 small assignments I had but it bothered me to leave them in the hotel while I worked. Luckily for me I have some really great friends and got lots of help and support. I really needed it because none of the bills had been paid and Jay left a HUGE mess for me to clean up in the house.

3 very large dumpsters, 3 weeks (18 hours per day), and 3 dedicated workers (my dear friend Jeanette, Jay's daughter Columbia, and myself) and my house was finally empty. Just to give you an idea how bad it was...I threw away 42 empty laundry detergent/fabric softner bottles from the basement utility room. There were about 20 empty bags of cat and dog food lying around. I found 6 garbage bags full of used cat litter (which were no longer sealed) lying under boxes he had stacked in there just because he couldn't be bothered to put things away. In the utility room alone there were about 30 boxes of random 'stuff'. His idea of cleaning the house was apparently to take an empty box and clear all of the flat surfaces in the house into that box. In one of them I found an empty yogurt carton with the spoon still in it, 6 empty plastic easter eggs, a big swirly lolipop Hunter got at Disneyland 3 years ago, a handful of bills which had never been opened, and one of my shirts that I though I had left in a hotel somewhere plus a plethora of other items.
I had a massive garage sale which generated a good deal of needed cash and attracted loads of people with my signs alone. They were on bright green posterboard and said "He moved out...selling his stuff". If you ever have a garage sale I highly recommend this approach. It worked like a dream and it pissed Jay off to no end (which I merely considered to be a side benefit).






Myself, Jeanette, and her husband Steve in front of dumpster #1
Dumpster #2...full and ready to go (we filled this one in a day and a half)
The move to Cincinnati was a calculated one. There are 6 major metropolitan areas within 100 miles of here and if I have any hope on continuing my job it would be easier from here than from Quincy. The move had to be made quickly before my financial resources dried up and I have a dear friend here to help me. I had offers to go to Denver, Las Vegas, and California to stay with friends but here I'm in my own place and trying my darnedest to make a go of it on my own. Very soon I may fall flat on my face if I don't find some solid employment but at least I haven't done what Jay did and moved in with someone else right off the bat.

Hunter is settled in just fine. He handled the move well and has been really brave and pretty wonderful overall. We had to put Chrissy down when we got here because she just didn't make the move well. Physically it was time to say goodbye because she was in so much pain but it killed me to do it. Hunter and I went together and said our goodbyes. He did surprisingly well considering he has never known his life without her.

I found a great school for Hunter to attend. It is a charter school so it is open to everyone who wants to attend but is not considered private OR public. Their primary objective is to let children work at their own pace. If a child excels in an area they may advance in that area. It is not unusual at this school for children who are in 3rd grade (like Hunter) to be doing 4th and 5th grade work in reading or math. That idea really appealed to me along with the school's wonderful state testing scores. Hunter seems to like it a great deal and comes home happy every day. Our next step is to get him into soccer, cub scouts, 4-H or something else fun he can sink his teeth into and make some friends.

Jay also left his 18 year old daughter, Columbia, with few options. She was supposed to come and live with us to attend the college where Jay has been working but he told her (2 weeks before registration) that she would have to wait. I didn't find that to be acceptable so I went about finding her a place to live and used my garage sale money to pay one month's rent and my fridge to pay a 2nd month's rent. For helping me clean out the house (which was like being in a haz mat area in some of the rooms due to Jay's total long-term neglect of the housekeeping) I bought her a laptop to use for college. Next I got her registered for school and on the right path. She is now living with a friend of mine, working her first job (which she likes), and attending college full-time. Jay was so nice as to offer to take her to school every day for the low sum of $10 per week. Nice of him considering he works there and it is not out of his way to pick her up. She is really struggling with her relationship with him right now because he is treating her as if she made a choice between he and I and he was the loser. It's pathetic how he is acting like a child and his 18 year old daughter has to point this out to him. I only hope, for the sake of his kids, that he pulls his head out of whatever oriface he has it shoved into and does it soon.

That's pretty much it in a nutshell. I'm trying to keep things afloat without letting Hunter know how dire our situation is. He seems to understand that things are tight and we are watching our money. We moved into the same apartment complex as my dear friend Tom and have an arrangement with him that is working well. He buys the food and I make sure he is adequately fed on something other than take-out and 'bachelor cuisine'. At last check he was complaining I was doing it too well and he would be the size of a house come Christmas time. It has worked well for me considering Jay is giving me absolutely nothing in the way of support and I know I can count on him to continue with that course of action. Tom has stepped up and volunteered to make sure Hunter and I are safe, fed, and provided for as best he can. I hate the idea that I may be taking advantage of his kindness but I love him beyond measure for loving me enough to take care of my child and I, for being the kind of man I can respect, and for showing my son how it SHOULD be done.

No worries. I'm keeping my chin up. Every time I have a bad day I'm reminded that at least there was no funeral in the midst of this upheaval. My last 2 major moves were done around burials and I'm thankful not to be dealing with that this go-around. If you want the new address just shoot me an email and I'll send it. For now the phone numbers will remain the same.